Wednesday, 13 April 2016

parenting



I did not read many parenting books during my parenting-career so far.
I feel that sometimes it is like with pregnancy books- the more you read the more you get confused and scared and stressed. That's why- especially during the pregnancies and in the first years- I trusted on my own instinct, the knowledge I had and common sense.

But sometimes you get to points where you just don't know what to do anymore…
There were suddenly days where I started to feel fed up with my kids. Their nagging and fighting (mostly amongst each other), the "not-listening-to-me" and "ignoring-me" when I wanted to say something that they did not want to hear.
Do you know this feeling?

There were moments where we just keep shouting at each other. I try to stay calm but sometimes it just gets too much and then I start to shout back and afterwards I feel so disappointed with myself and of course shouting is not helping- it just makes everyone feel miserable.
There are moments where I use stupid threats- like "if you won't do x and y you won't get z" … and even if I go through with the "punishment", it is usually not a satisfying solution.

I ordered a book on the internet a while ago: 
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &Listen So Kids Will Talk" written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish some 35 years ago.
As I read it and tried to apply some of the things in my every-day-life and tried to improve other things, I came to think about just how much our parenting is influenced by the way our parents behaved towards us.

Don't get me wrong- I do have caring parents. My mother is still my role model when it comes to mothering. She had a seemingly never ending patience with us kids and always listened to us. But still- some of the behavior patterns I have and would like to change come from generations before me- not only my parents. And I am sure that they all meant well.
It's just that some of the ways to treat kids are not really productive, supportive, successful- even if we might initially think they are.

I hope that I will succeed more and more to implement a good, supportive, caring, emphatic way of parenting our kids. It's hard work some days and on others everything works just fine but I guess it will be a process that will never end.

Another interesting book I read some years ago is "Brain Rules" by John Medina. His conclusions are mainly the same as in the above book- if I remember everything well.

2 comments:

Unsere kleine Farm said...

Hihi, jaaaa kenn ich - wenn klein A. tut als würde sie mich nicht hören wenn ich zu ihr spreche :-)) Dachte es geht nur mir so :-)) Naja, ist wohl menschlich, dass es an manchen Tagen einfach nicht gelingen will entspannt zu bleifen ;-)
Liebste Grüße aus Wien!
Erika

Anonymous said...

Yes, I know that feeling :-) . What parent doesn't? The Faber & Mazlish is a useful book, I read it a while ago but I should probably reread. I do struggle a lot with baggage from my own childhood. I get to the end of each day wishing I had been kinder, more patient, etc., and the next morning when I wake up I resolve to be kind, but too often I end up shouting/scolding/nagging too, or threatening stupid/irrelevant consequences, like you said (just today I told my daughter I would cancel her birthday party if she kept pinching her sister! I could not believe this came out of my mouth). But you know what, I think that just thinking about this, just being aware and turning it over in your mind, already deserves some credit, especially if you were not raised with that kind of empathetic parenting. It takes an almost heroic effort to break some patterns, and I think it's good to acknowledge that too. So many people just do what their parents did without thinking about it; be proud of yourself that you are even trying to do better/differently.

-- Preeta (in France)